Why The Wonder of Why?

I really don't know the reason nor the purpose. It is just something that I feel compelled to do. It is just the next evolution in a series of evolutions that have led me to this point. The transformations in my life have manifested themselves at a pretty rapid pace. I finally feel that everything is just now starting to work in conjunction with one another. The things that I feel on the inside are starting to be consistent with my actions on the outside. The most important thing is I just now feel that I understand what it is to comprehend where my experiences have brought me and what they have taught me.

Up to this point nothing had seemed to go according to plan. When I look back at the outline of my life, the expectations that I had planned are vastly different from currently what I find my reality to be. At first thought, I could not get around the disappointment of that fact. The reality didn't disappoint me the way that my effort did. Or my lack of effort rather. I found myself just really going through the motions. Rather than taking life by the horns, I just sort of waited for things to happen. As if whatever you want out of life just pops up out of nowhere.

The irony of that is I didn't even know what I wanted. I didn't know what I wanted to be. I didn't even know who I wanted to be. So my biggest dilemma was within myself. Is within myself. I thought to myself that I have failed myself. A lack of vision, a lack of ambition, a lack of direction have plagued me. I think to myself that if I could consider myself to be such a disappointment to myself, how must my family feel? What do my peers feel? Especially when my family directed me to strive to be so much more. Those thoughts can feel like shards of glass in my head at times. I keep on hearing the you can lead the horse to the well but you can't force the horse to drink type proverbs constantly. But even with that pain, I could never realize what I wanted to be or which road to take.

My whole adult life has seen me sitting in the middle of the fork in road with two ways to go and always managing to somehow choose the third way. Which was to stay still. Recently it has been brought to my attention by a very wise man that the middle is always the worst place to be. In how ever short or long the journey, the middle is the furthest you can be from either the beginning or the end destination or point. Some call it straddling the fence and never choosing a side or taking a stand. Others call it lukewarm. It is neither hot nor cold, it's just comfortable. That is what and who I became. I became an exister and hadn't maximized being a liver. So here I am a failure to my own cause.

Failure has been the only thing I have been successful at in my mind. It has often felt tragic to realize that I am actually good at failing. At least for what I thought failing to be anyway. But now, I am thankful for where my failure has led me. For what it has taught me. I feel like my success at failure has brought me a peace and understanding that I don't think I would have acquired if life had gone according to plan for me. In my search for peace I started to embrace my surroundings that I felt had trapped me. I embraced what the people that surrounded me brought to the table by way of there experiences. I embraced the whole environment. I embraced the fact that life is bigger than just me. That is all I could see was my end result. I spent everyday looking at my end result and not paying attention to the process. The events that led me to where I was in life. I asked why am I here? What am I supposed to see? Who am I being molded to be? I realized if I don't embrace what is real around me, that to is failure.

Here I am finding myself having to conquer what has become the easiest way for me to be. But somehow, now I had the strength to do so. Most of all, I had the vision to do so. The blessing of the vision of what is and was around me is that I don't even know where the vision came from. I think vision is where I have failed the most up to this point. I only saw what I could see and feel at the time of any experience that I have had. I never thought of having to be accountable for the things that I couldn't see. Without realizing it, I thought the things that I did know where all I needed to know. I never thought about what I didn't know. But by a grace that I didn't deserve, I have been spared because I have a vision that I never thought was possible for me personally. Now I don't think I have so much failed although I know there are things that I should have done better and differently all together. I think my experiences were the hardships that led me and groomed me towards to the gift of sight. Again from a very wise man, "whoa is the man that doesn't see anything." I used to think failure was my ultimate destiny. Now I believe the recovery from failure is what my ultimate destiny has become. How I apply the lessons learned along the way from these days forward will determine if I really failed or not.

So why The Wonder of Why? I still really don't know. All I know is that I am no longer comfortable being trapped in quicksand in the middle of the fork in the road. Not choosing a direction to go. This is my attempt at some sort of redemption. This is me looking inside of myself trying to figure out who and what I am. I hope expressing what I see and what I feel not just about myself but about life itself help me to be who I now feel that I have to be. I don't know what I want to be still. Sometimes I think who I am is all I need to be. When I grow up, I just want to be me. I know who I want to be and I am just starting to realize what I want my legacy to be. I feel this compellation of the Wonder of Why is part of helping me be who I am going to become. I just don't necessarily know how to be it or become this person. So The Wonder of Why I guess is my therapy and mediator somehow. It is me sitting down with myself putting myself to the test in the things that I believe in. It is me gauging how far I have come in what I have learned or what I think I have learned. To also realize how much further I have to go. It is what is on my mind and in my heart. I guess simply The Wonder of Why is me introducing me to myself.